So, I’ve run into a challenge I’m hoping to get some strategic input on as we navigate this new toddler world with our extended family.
My husband and I are fully committed to a positive discipline framework for our 2-year-old, Jonathan. We’ve done a ton of research, read the books (big fans of Dr. Becky Kennedy over here), and are focused on validating feelings, setting firm but kind boundaries, and using connection-based language. It’s been working beautifully for our little family unit. The problem arises during visits with our parents. Their approach to Jonathan’s completely normal, age-appropriate testing of boundaries is, to put it mildly, dated. We get a lot of “He’s just trying to manipulate you,” or suggestions that he needs to be put in his place, and my personal least favorite, labeling his behavior as “naughty.”
I’ve tried to be proactive. I’ve explained that we don’t use labels like ‘bad boy’ and have even shared some great, digestible articles on toddler brain development to offer context for his behavior. They listen and nod, but in the heat of a tantrum over the blue cup, their old instincts kick in. I then have to step in and say something like, “Thanks for the suggestion, Mom, but we’re going to handle this by offering him a choice,” which feels incredibly awkward and creates tension. I know they raised well-adjusted kids and they adore Jonathan, but their methods directly undermine the consistency we’re working so hard to build.
My primary goal is to ensure Jonathan receives a consistent, supportive response from his primary caregivers, which includes his grandparents when they’re with him. So, how have you all successfully managed this? I’m looking for practical, in-the-moment scripts or strategies that are respectful to family but unequivocally clear about our parenting approach. How do you reinforce your boundaries without starting a family feud or having to debrief/correct things after every single visit?